Finding Center
I didn’t fit into the perfect cookie-cutter mold…
Gracie Hickman
In second grade my school enrolled me in Title 1 classes to give me extra support in reading and math. This made me feel like they thought I was stupid or lazy and this put me in constant fear of being judged. Two years ago in ninth grade, I was diagnosed with ADHD, depression, and anxiety. Before my diagnosis, going to school had been horrific for me. I showed up late to class because minutes before arriving I was having an anxiety attack in the bathroom. Sometimes my notebooks would be filled with only doodles instead of actual notes. I struggled to get schoolwork completed on time as if there was no point in completing the work.
The situation got really bad. I was suicidal. The weight of my emotions and school kept building to the point of exhaustion. I kept telling my mom I couldn’t do it anymore. But after my diagnosis, life felt better, and I started to understand how my brain functions and how that affects my daily life.
Another huge step was being introduced to the Whitefish Independent High School and its Jobs for Montana’s Graduates program (JMG). It turns out I wasn’t so dumb.The traditional public school system was just not built for my brain. I didn’t fit into the perfect cookie-cutter mold they had tried to squeeze me into. Being able to explore my interests and overcome my weaknesses, I began to learn everything I am capable of doing and also things I didn’t even know I could do.
The Jobs program was scary for me at first because I had no idea where to start. My teacher, Mr. Hammel, told us we needed to complete four projects: one in career exploration, one in leadership, another in organizing or supporting a social event, and finally one in community service. My anxiety kicked in, and my mind started racing. “What was a ‘driving question’? How would I figure out something I could do that would benefit my peers and teachers?” I didn’t even believe that I could be successful in school, so how was I supposed to take any kind of leadership role?
For my first project, I took the Independent High School students to Glacier National Park for cross-country skiing. I had to reach out to a bus company, get an entry pass for the national park, and rent skis for everyone. This pushed my anxiety over the top, forcing me
to make phone calls, talk to strangers, and even speak in front of the whole Independent High School. Pushing myself and having people rely on me helped me conquer my fear and anxiety in that first week.
Since then I have worked at the Whitefish School District’s Center for Sustainability and Entrepreneurship (CSE). Each week I help
plan community events and maintain our greenhouse and garden beds. Last summer I had the opportunity to intern with Muldown Elementary School and the Glacier Park Conservancy. Through that training I worked with K-8 students at the CSE, teaching them about our own beautiful and unique “backyard.” I am also writing the CSE Community Newsletter and honing my creative writing skills.
More importantly, all this has taught me that the school does not think I am lazy or stupid, and I now know I am capable and pretty darn smart. As of this year, I am the Independent High School and CSE representative on the Whitefish High School Student Council as well as on the Student Outreach Committee (SOC)—a student-led mental health steering committee. In the past few years, the Flathead Valley has seen an alarming increase in suicide rates; according to a Flathead County survey in 2021, 14.9% of students between Grades 9 through 12 made one or more suicide attemps and 13.41% of students Grades 7 through 8. Creating a safe environment in an academic atmosphere for students is a key goal for the SOC. Ultimately, JMG gave me that little push I needed to have the confidence to choose to take on bigger roles.
I look back at my freshman year of high school, and I never would have thought I would be here today, thriving in this environment. I have hope and confidence for my future, and I am thankful to have the opportunity to learn and grow in the remaining time I have in public schools. I am passionate about the environment, and I also create art— line drawings, welding, and wood burning—to continue to find ways to express my feelings and work through triggering emotions. Over time, my notebook doodles became a way to help me take my art to new places, and more importantly, help me get through the day. But I have also come to the realization that in ways, life itself is really just a doodle.
I am not afraid to talk about the importance of mental health. It shouldn’t be hidden, and it shouldn’t be embarrassing. I think back to that day when I wasn’t sure if I’d live past 16 years old. Just taking those first small steps toward better understanding myself has made all the difference.
Editor’s note: Ms. Hickman won the Jobs for Montana’s Graduates essay contest, from which this essay is adapted.
about the author
Gracie Hickman is a student at the Whitefish Independent High School and fifth generation of Whitefish. She loves to spend time outside climbing, hiking, camping, skiing, and fly fishing. She is a passionate advocate of mental health, women’s rights, and the environment.