Category Archives: Fiction

The 2020 Montana Fiction Prize Winner

Then It Would Be Raining

“Every once in a while the man I fell in love with starting that snowy April morning on University Avenue looks up at me.”

Steve Fox

The 2020 Montana Fiction Prize Winner

I am not a cutter, I just happen to cut myself a lot. It’s not a personal issue, I don’t think. What I need, is to be more mindful. More mindful in the kitchen. But it’s been hard now, with Mitch like this. Plus, I have lots of distractions going on in my head. A busy place, the insides of my head. I also have a lot of dull knives. Dull kitchen knives are dangerous. Which reminds me… I should sharpen those knives. And get cutting. Vegetables…  Kids will be home soon. Also, I need a band-aid.

The fresh layer of snow in the yard below our bedroom window bounces a silver moonlight blue. Silent and powerful. Tainted only by the McCallans’ Christmas display across the street. Red, blue, green, the house announces, this is the outline our windows, blink, blink. Red, blue, green, this is the perimeter of our front door, it proclaims, blink, blink. Red, blue, green.

Christmas lights in March. 

Mitch asleep on the bed behind me breathes hard. Hard-er. Something going on in his head, too. Bad things, all of a sudden, all again. Screaming nightmares, every night now since last fall. Dreams I can’t sleep through and he can’t wake from in a place I could never, ever enter. Can’t tell me about them, he says. It’s very dark where he sleeps. 

During the day, he drifts away.  

Away from me, away. 

Away from us. 

Away, I fear, to stay.

I work at a place called Puente. Means ‘bridge’ in Spanish. It’s an organization dedicated to helping individuals with cognitive disabilities live more independently. Connect with and contribute to their community. Often these people—we call them clients—have physical impairments, too. I used to work the floor more than I do now, all hands-on with our crew to aid clients in walking or in tasks requiring more manual dexterity. Using scissors, peeling vegetables, lacing shoes. Things like that. It’s challenging work. Some clients eventually catch on. Most don’t. 

But now I wear a skirt and heels and help run the place, make larger decisions for the greater good of the greater group. I still walk the floors, but mostly my work is on computers and telephones explaining to someone about a great opportunity to hire one of our clients for their menial labor deficits, and how much it won’t cost them. 

Clients. Our name for our damaged. 

I didn’t really know Mitch very well when we got married. Some couples come and go on and off for years until they’re finally sick enough of each other to get married. Not Mitch and me. Got married while we still burned for each other. Less than a year after we met at a bus stop in Madison. 

It was April and snowing these large sugar-cookie snowflakes. He looked at me looking up University Avenue, pulling at my bangs and gasping into a torrent of snow and said, “Mornin—nice day, eh?” He winked, the snow swirling like stars all around his black curls, and I said, “I spose though I sure wish it’d warm up justa bit.” 

“Yes,” he said, slowly, unloading a devastating smile. “Then it would be raining.” 

Today Mitch totes yet more boxes from our bedroom closet. “I had to forge your signature today,” I say, as he elbows by, clutching a heavy cardboard cube to his chest.

“Fine,” he says, not looking back. “You sign my name better than I do anyway, Bren.” He laughs, and opens the door to the cellar.

Sounds like something Mitch would normally say. And for a moment, I think it’s him again. That he’s back. Until he resurfaces to cower out of my way and begin taking down shirts from hangers, one at a time, and fold them up, destined for another box to be stored in the root cellar. It’s taken me a while to figure it out, but I just now realized that he’s moving down there, the root cellar.

The cuts, the old ones, now are mostly all healed. Enough of them run up and down my arms that I started reading about cutters. The psychology of cutting one’s own flesh. There’s a lot of counter-intuitive logic to cutters that makes perfectly good sense. Mostly boils down to matters of personal control, a coping mechanism. Some self-medicate with booze, others with knives. 

But like I said, I am not a cutter.

I don’t know what Mitch does during the day anymore. Climbs up from the root cellar every morning, eyes all glazed and crusty, scratches at himself, and leaves the house. No idea where he goes, what he does. I thought he liked his new career, software. He just decided one day he was done being a lawyer and went back to something he “used to poke at semi-legally.” So he bought some computer books and fiddled with his resume and got a job writing code for a software company. I thought he was happy, but why all the nightmares and screaming in his sleep? Why all these fresh cuts on my flesh?

This has been going on for weeks and weeks now. People giving me odd looks because I am starting to look desperate. Me, the one without the personal problem. No, I got no problem, I’m just married to one, I want to say. I want to write it down on index cards and hand them out to whoever looks at me like that. But the pen’s over an arm’s length away and that stupid effort to reach out for it seems a lot of work for me now. Just raising my eyelids can be too much. 

What time is it?

“Where’s the car?” I ask Mitch this morning. He came home sometime after I fell asleep reading to Carlie, and now the car’s nowhere in sight.

“Here,” he says, extending the keys, hunched over a laptop on the kitchen counter. Hi-def screen filled with code and gobbledegook. Meaningless to me, but rather upsetting to him, apparently. I don’t think he’s been to bed in days.

“Thanks. So, where’s the car?”

“Fuck,” he says to the computer. “Outside,” he says to me.

Where outside?”

“In the street, Bren,” he says. He looks through and beyond me like I’m smoke. “The car’s parked outside, Bren,” he sighs. He blinks, eyes dried up. “Outside in the street.”

Jen came over. Mitch’s sister, from Boston. Boston, now, anyways. She’s a Sconnie, too, like Mitch. I asked her to come. Jen’s an empath—the real deal. Gets readings from a photo, a voice over the phone, watching a crowd in a bar, seeing a guy round the corner a block up the street. The chemistry of a person’s mental and emotional state emits an odor she can detect and interpret, easily. The way some read sheet music, she says. She sees dreams, the spills of broken love, shapeless, through brick walls.

We embraced. I didn’t have to say anything. She looked around the house as Mitch looked right through her on his way out. Jen nothing more than a lamp or a vase that’d always just been there like the trim around the windows. Maybe he knew she was coming the way she knew something was very wrong before she even got here. Sometimes I wonder if he’s more like her than he lets on.

“Panic,” Jen said, watching him walk and twitch and look through us. “In a profound panic.” 

She didn’t seem so surprised. She followed him down to the cellar and I could hear them talking a while. His voice rumbled low, then rose right as he was about to laugh, always with this new, otherly exuberance. She never shared in the laughter though, not that I could hear.

I am not the sort of person who throws things. I want to be… I do. I want to smash the fine china on the kitchen floor and drink bourbon straight from a bottle for days plunked into a corner while I pull shards from the bottoms of my bare feet. Pull them from my feet while drinking and listening to Mitch scream his head off in the cellar, where he lives now, down there. While I pluck, shard by shard, and will my way into his sleep to slice up whatever it is tearing him apart down there.

But I’m not the sort of person who throws things.

Jen is going to stay on a few days, she says. I look across the room at her, then at Mitch, leaning up against the wall, wearing that old, torn-up Badgers sweatshirt, pointer finger two knuckles up his nose. He removes it and starts to say something. Then his words stray and he stops speaking and puts his finger back up his nose. Jen, at his side, doesn’t react. 

Apparently we’re going to a ski resort this coming weekend.

I am drowning in dirt, dirt that drips. Drips on my face from a sky plowed up mud by a wedge of geese tearing the overhead terrain, dripping on me, a frog in a pot of water slowly brought to a boil, unwittingly dying in its own bath. Drowning in dry dirt inside droplets of raining mud.

We made dinner tonight, me and Jen. Managed not to cut myself. Haven’t since she got here. Set a place for Mitch, hoping he’d come up from the root cellar. For once. I pulled the plates from the cupboard, noisily but carefully, passing them one at a time to Jen. I have a memory of plates with room to breathe in there, of coffee cups unafraid of being sent over the edge.

Neighbors’ silverware in the drawer at my waist. Del, Diane, Will, Mags. Someone else, too. Don’t recall now, but Mom always said ya know ya live in a good neighborhood when half the silverware in there is someone else’s. Some of mine is out there, too. In others’ drawers. Except for the knives. Those stay right where they belong.

Mitch’s plate kept moving, without comment, around the table as Jen and I ate and the kids brawled and cried through dinner. First it was at his normal place, then the other side of the table as we cleared dinner, then at the breakfast counter by the sink in the island. Finally, when Mitch kept not coming, I put his plate back, closed up and away, back behind cupboard doors. Up and away, back in the dark. 

Jen touched my shoulder. 

I walked down into the root cellar yesterday while Mitch was out doing whatever. Just to see. Exact opposite of what I expected. Figured it’d be all squalor, him sleeping down there like in some storage cell on the edge of town, a slender varmint woven into a warren of piled heaps pushed aside just wide enough for him to traipse through and lie down in.

But it’s all in order. Cleaner than when we moved in, even. The stone walls plucked clean of cobwebs, ceiling joists and support beams wiped down and dusted. Floor’s been swept. Everything he took from our closet and boxed now stacked neatly, each piece of clothing hung smartly. There’s a set of drawers arranged from shoeboxes slipped inside an upright plastic bin. A drawer slides out deftly, where socks are folded with care, not balled up or pushed inside in wads. Towers of books, rising up like in-progress games of Jenga, straddle each end of an old sofa I’d forgotten about. Must be where he sleeps, sort of. Even the porcelain sink in the half-bath reflects a blinding white, and the chrome towel rack gleams. 

I stepped into the bath, leaned over the sink for a moment, and looked up at the limestone wall above the faucet where my reflection should have looked back at me. There was just emptiness of exposed stone. I looked down at my fingers resting on the edge of the sink, before that emptiness could pull me in.

This morning Mitch sits opposite me in the breakfast-express room at the hotel near the ski resort, wearing a dingy old nightshirt sporting smeared grease. His bony face twitches, slate-gray eyes sunken like two echoes. His eyes blink rapidly, one at a time. And if he’s shaved, it was days ago, the one side of his face. 

Jen’s doing laps down in the tepid pool. Her word. Said she’d eat an egg later.

In front of a faux fireplace, Mitch’s eyes are locked on some local morning newsy program, hosted by perky homecoming royalty from about ten years ago. A local chef introduces the hosts to shrimp and grits. Everyone knows who he is. Royalty smiling, tanned in March, talking loudly—nearly shrieking—clichés, scripted prompts. Eager to please their adoring studio audience. They laugh so easily for their springy star, Courtenay. No lines for great-looking-demure-homecoming king next to her. He hands Courtenay the occasional utensil or measuring cup, widening his eyes for the camera. I think I’m meant to swoon. Name of the show is Good Courtenay Morning. And Mitch is gobbling it up.

Shrimp and grits. The hosts rave, find the idea fascinating and amazing. As if their discovery was everyone else’s. And Good Courtenay Morning? There is nothing about this program that does not scream to Mitch Please hate me more than anything else I could think of. Normally, the name alone would make Mitch rant about it off and on again for days. 

A family clambers around the table beside ours, eyes all wide for what’s on the TV, the fresh snow, the staged fireplace. Our kids fall silent as an impossible number of children pull chairs around the table. Already I can tell all these kids combined will create less mess and make less noise than any one of ours. The coiffed father, seated in plaid L.L. Bean loungewear, straightens himself to answer a daughter.

“Well,” he says, loud enough for everyone’s attention, “I suppose Santa could come to the Ski Chalet today… But it’s March, sweetie.”

He gives her a sympathetic smile, reaches to cup her cheek.

A three or four-year-old girl with protuberant brown eyes and neatly mussed black hair looks up from the Yoplait she’s carefully peeled the aluminum foil lid from. She places the lid atop the saucer before her, yogurt-side up at twelve o’clock, next to a glass of juice, unspilled. She unfolds a napkin and flattens it on her lap. 

“Aww,” she pouts, raising a spoon.

“Santa?” Mitch snorts. “Santa? Santa’s busy, sweetheart! Saw him just last night, pan-handling on the sidewalk down in front of the bowling alley. Said he—”

“Mitch!” I protest, know that I can’t stop him. 

 “—Said he’s fallen on hard times!”

I can’t stop him. 

“Beggin for hand-outs, Santa suit all soiled.” He shakes his head, one eye twitching, then the other. “Jesus… Broken fingernails black and poking through these useless gloves, playing a guitar and harmonica and—” he pauses for a minute breath, then his focus lands on something about ninety miles beyond the horizon, “—singin these old Jim Morrison songs… you know… the poems. God,” Mitch says, voice breaking, as though he actually witnessed all this, “the guy utterly… reeked.”

Before anyone can react, Mitch leaps to his feet and points urgently down an imaginary roadway.

A couple of L.L. Bean child models turn their heads tentatively, in the direction he’s pointing.

“Down there,” he cries, looking at them, jabbing a finger at the air. “Down there! Prolly asleep… and brandy-sodden… bummin smokes… down there… right now!”

We are cruising aboard an airplane at forty thousand feet, speeding across the continent when someone kicks out the evac door over the wing. An silent roar sucks out the entire room with a deafening force that nearly pulls the ribbons of fake flames in the fireplace out into the cold along with it. 

Confused tears surge in the girl’s bulbous eyes. She is about to scream. Or giggle wildly. Hard to know with some kids. In normal times, ours would have squealed with delight. Her father opens his mouth, smug grin shattered, like he’s suddenly stepped, barefoot, into a pile of something warm and soft. And Courtenay’s spilled grits on her tits. 

Breakfast is over. 

Delphine, a fitness consultant, slinks across the street to our yard, skin-tight everything. Even her new plastic-surgered face looks crazy tight, facial dermis stretched completely to the epi.

Jen ties a shoe a few feet away, about to leave for a run. She looks up from her crouch.

“Something’s wrong,” she murmurs, straightening up. She pauses for a brief whiff to confirm. “Yep. Yer neighbor’s got some baaaad news, Bren.” 

She looks at me, says she, too, has got something to tell me… later. She flashes a significant nod and disappears in a poof, annoyingly lithe.

Del talks a while and finally I hear myself saying, “Well, what can I say, ya know? Mothers die. Mine died when she found out I wasn’t getting married just because I got knocked up like her. She was giddy, me all thin and gettin married not pregnant, Del, and she musta then just let herself stop fightin whatever ailed her, cuz she woke up dead the very next mornin. I’m sorry, Del. Mothers die. They just do.” 

I fold my arms and look at Del, then down the lane Jen disappeared from, my arms suddenly heavy, the one atop the other, dreading what she’s got for me.

Jen went back to Boston the next day. Told me about Mitch’s childhood while we stopped for a drink on the way to the airport. About all the abuse. Low-lights Mitch spared me, years of it. Like all the photos, and the man who made Mitch pose for them, year after year, summer after summer. About his prayers for a never-spring, and an always-rain.

I tried off and on again to get Mitch to a doctor, to consult professional help. Always got a calm, Heisman stiff-arm in refusal. Of course he thinks he’s fine, always looks at me like I’m the crazy one as he shrinks and coils away. 

Then yesterday he one-upped me, and had an accident, somewhere. I couldn’t get it outta him where. But he fell down and smashed his ribs. Six ribs, front and back, all staved in up and down the left side. ER visit became a two-day hospital stay that may turn into three or even four. I went to work the middle of Day Two, today, thinking I’d try to get caught up on what’s piled up, distract me from myself for a while. Mitch needed rest… blood in his urine. 

A nurse called as I drove, mentioned how dehydrated Mitch was. 

“Needs electrolytes,” she said.

“Okay,” I said.

“Yes. He must get dehydrated often… Just have him drink some Gatorade when that happens next time,” she said, all cheery. “That’s where you get electrolytes.” 

“Gatorade,” I said. I think she could hear me frowning, so she spoke again before I could.

“Yes. Gatorade is for replenishing essential electrolytes and lost fluids—”

“From Gatorade,” I managed to say. Sounded like she was reading this to me. “Can’t I just feed him things that contain electrolytes?” I said. “I mean— Yer serious about the Gatorade? Have ya ever drank it,” I asked. “It’s disgusting. And fulla sugar. I mean— Yer a nurse… ya want him to get better, right?” 

I could hear her blank stare over the phone, her nurse fingers fluttering over a computer keyboard. Then she re-read to me what she said about the Gatorade.

“Yeah, I get it,” I said, and hung up and parked at Puente.

Gatorade. 

Almost as soon as I walked in to Puente today, one of our clients, a guy named Nathaniel—we happen to call him Prana—collapsed right in front of me. His knee caved and contorted at a horrible, berserk angle beneath the full mass of his body. I was still thinking about Mitch. No pierced organs… but should I have stayed at the hospital? Looked like he could sleep for a week, like those Russians living by that one uranium mine, sleeping five, six days on end. Hard to know now, especially with Mitch. Mitchell. Mitchell and his night and daymares, the way he moved from our bedroom into the basement, one box of clothes at a time, and the way he talks about some homeless guy living down in our cellar. Hairy hands, Mitch says, hairy hands like mine, he says, turning his hands over for you to see. Hirsute, he’ll tell nearly anyone who’ll listen.

I’m pretty sure he’s worn the same pair of pants every day now for over a month.

I watched the collapsing Prana’s fall and felt the anger and hate ignite within me again. Hate. The real thing. What this man, this locally respected man, this neighborhood Todd person with a thing for little boys did to Mitch, so many years ago. Years and years, a sickening level of abuse. And what it’s done to us now a generation later. And me, the oblivious frog, dying within the boiling storming planet around, slowly boiling to death and not seeing and not knowing. 

Small wonder he still loves the cold so. Sub-zero temps the only thing that make him feel safe. Ended each night’s prayers with…and a winter without end. Amen.

Del came back to our yard the next day, needed help making phone calls. I said of course I’d help, then remembered telling her about my mother’s glee at me getting married thin and not pregnant. I smiled, and Del pounced. 

“You think it’s funny?” she snapped, the way bossy women do. “My mom dead and me here with no support network and you all grinnin about it?”

I couldn’t speak, couldn’t put into words why I was smiling. 

“No,” I said, defensive. “No, Del, no. I—”

“Then what?” she hissed.

I shook my head, said I’d be over in a little bit. And it wasn’t until later I realized I was smiling because I was just recalling my mom fondly. Mom was lovely, despite how much she drove me nuts. So I smiled. And I also think I kept smiling because in spite of Del I was just relieved to finally have something to smile about. 

I managed to cushion Prana’s fall, grabbing him from behind by the armpits, then tried to hoist him. Hike him up like a child, off that knee I heard pop like an old man’s. But Prana is a round, 250-pound man. Probably eighty, ninety pounds overweight. His body, despite the excruciating pain racing through it, remained flimsy and unwieldy. Like a sagging mattress you need to shove up a set of stairs.

My hands buried in Prana’s soggy armpits did take my mind off Mitch for a while, though. I slipped off my heels and called out for help. But first I asked a passer-by, a client guardian, to lend a hand.

“I—I don wanna lawsuit,” passer-by guy muttered, backing away from Prana and me. He opened his palms and raised his elbows.

“Just a towel,” I said. “Just grab a towel from over there.” I nodded at a table behind him. “And bring it over.” 

“No lawsuit, man,” he said, tripping away.

I stared, drenched hands still wedged deep up into Prana’s hot and squashy armpits, still attempting to gain some leverage and take more pressure off his blown knee. He continued to shriek. I raised my skirt and thrust a knee into his lower back and managed to lift him slightly. Prana groaned, relieved, his pulse a jackhammer ramming at my fingertips pressed beneath a heavy flesh-fold under his jawline. 

“Nathaniel,” I said, precise. “We are going to call 9-1-1. Are you comfortable with that?”

“Prana! Pra-na!” he gasped, nodding sweaty and fast.

“I know,” I said, quietly, nodding with him, “I know.”

I yelled. That got the attendants’ attention. I told them to call. They gaped. 

“Now!” 

They called. No-lawsuit guy vanished.

“It’s ok,” I said into Prana’s ear. The back of his sweaty head pressed against my blouse. “It’s ok. They’re coming,” I soothed, weakly. I lifted from under his arms and pried him up with my other knee, pulling him mostly on top of me. His shrieking subsided and he groaned again. His knee remained pinned and bent at a terrible angle beneath all his weight, already exploded, and I feared a stroke or worse. 

Then I was up there. Floating on the ceiling. Drifting in and amid promiscuous furry caterpillars. Weaving, blending, copulating, separating, reconnecting black and gray and brownish cream, pushed together within ceiling-tile gardens, forming patterns. Some of the patterns almost spelled out something. In English, maybe. Sodium, magnesium, chloride, potassium. Electrolytes. Some not. All a melded fuzzy gardeny blur above, Prana and I pressed together in a sweaty bulge below. 

Every once in a while the man I fell in love with starting that snowy April morning on University Avenue looks up at me. A few nights before his fall, he gave me that same look after he first said to me, Then it would be raining.

“So, ya headin to class?”

“Yup.”

“Me neither.” He looked down at his watch, enormous snowflakes still looping around his black curls. He smiled up at me again and said, “I’m thinkin it’s noon somewhere… Let’s hit the 608 for a tap and study up.”

He pointed to a tavern down the block over my shoulder. I stared at him.

“Whatcha workin on today?” he asked. 

“Today?” I said, more to myself than to him. “Uh… today it’s… Organic Chem.”

“Oh.”

“Know anything about it?”

“Does it matter? Cmon, let’s go,” he said, and reached for my hand.

My Mitch. Took him into my arms and held him as long as I could, pulling him back to me until he fell away again, twisting and dissolving, down into that root cellar with his collective rumblings down there, to scream in his sleep and worship the cold and pray for rain.

The sweating man pressed against me was born Nathaniel Phelps. Some call him Nate. Most just call him Prana because that’s all he’s been able to say since age nineteen, when he found his brother dead in the woods. His brother severed his femoral artery with a Bowie knife while field dressing a deer he’d shot. He had been alone, and bled very deeply and very badly two decades before cellphones were commonplace. Prana came upon him at the end of a red trail of blood pools on fresh snow that turned out not to lead someone’s shot deer but rather to his brother. Bled out and starting to freeze solid beneath a fresh dusting of mid-November snow. Nathaniel returned to camp muttering Prana… Pra-na. His family says he sat out in the cold against a tree that night and refused to eat for days. No one has figured out what the utterance can mean. The bled-out frozen brother’s name was Wallace. He was seventeen for a day.

Prana’s trauma took place in the woods, Mitch’s on the banks of a pristine trout stream in Wisconsin. Mitch walked away, mostly. Prana… Not so much. Not yet.

“They’re everywhere,” Jen said, after telling me about the man who used to take Mitch supposedly fishing down on Noisy Creek.

“Creeks?”

“No.”

When Mitch awoke, the doctor who treated him for his ribs sent in a psychiatrist. He wore a white lab coat like any other house doc, so Mitch didn’t suspect much. They talked and talked and when he left he told me Mitch would be following up with him at his practice. Consult for a wicked, ongoing experience with PTSD, he said to me. Dissociative Fugue. Said Mitch wouldn’t remember much of this. If anything, he added. Said his brain’s running in survival mode. On auto-pilot.

Dissociation. Of course. I nodded on the outside, but on the inside called myself a blind and stupid bitch for not spotting this sooner. How could I have missed all the signs?

The shrink in white lab coat left, giving me a knowing look as he reached for my hand, then stopped short when he saw the marks on my arm. He looked at me again, hesitated, and wished me well.

Prana cries and cries in my arms, back of his head tucked under my chin. EMS shows up at last, and I’m finally able to walk over to the restroom, where I peel off my drenched blouse and bra and plop them onto the counter by the sink in front of the mirror. There I am, hands slung loosely at my sides, staring back at me, only me, me alone. And my bare breasts coated in a strange man’s sweat.

I hear them wheel Prana away. A sense of tidal loss engulfs me. Can’t explain it. An emptiness that presses my lungs shut.

But soon enough I’m bent over the sink, staring at my sliced fingertips. Tender goat udders dripping thick threads of tainted milk. All the Prana, all of no-lawsuit guy, all the Todd. All dripping out. Even the Gatorade nurse and the spilled shrimp and grits. All of it all. Drips from the tips of each finger, one finger each for the P, the T, the S, and the D.

My bright new blood congeals on the side of the porcelain basin. The bathrooms here are always chilly, and this has happened before. The sink is cold and so my blood stops. And I breathe into my blood, clotted on the slope of the sink, breathing into it my warmth, and watch the red spirals glow, loosen, and turn to rain.

Steve Fox

about the author

Steve Fox's work has appeared in or has been recognized by Narrative Magazine, The Masters Review, The Iowa Review, Midwestern Gothic, The Midwest Review, The Wisconsin Writers Association, and Creative Wisconsin. His writing finished first place in the 2018 Wisconsin Writers Association Jade Ring Award Contest; the 2018 Great Midwest Writing Contest; Midwestern Gothic 2018 Summer Flash Contest; and the 2019 Wisconsin Academy of Sciences, Arts, & Letters Fiction Competition. Steve lives with his wife, three boys, and one dog in Hudson, Wisconsin, and studies creative writing at The Loft Literary Center in Minneapolis. Steve gets up on Monday morning and goes to be later that day on Saturday night. 
https://stevefoxwrites.com/

The 2021 Montana Humor Prize Winner – Fiction

Hitler’s Typewriter

It sat on a pedestal, out in the open. Anyone could touch it.

Robert Morgan Fisher

The 2021 Montana Humor Prize Winner – Fiction

Taking the security guard job was strategic.

Wallace read that a lot of effective writing was nocturnal, logged on the clock of various nightshifts: janitor, phone support, security guard. The work had to involve minimal labor, long stretches of quiet time. The security guard gig at the Hall of History didn’t pay much, but the tomblike silence of the museum in daytime boded well for his scheme. He’d show up with his laptop, make sure all the doors were locked. Then get down to the business of crafting The Great American Novel.

Ida Schott gave him the address of a uniform store and a voucher. She also handed over a set of keys, told Wallace to plan on clocking in at eight that evening. It was a five-night-a-week job—that’s all the Hall of History could afford. Hall was closed Sunday and Monday. Having a security guard was initially just for show. There’d never been a break-in, only a few crank calls with racist undertones carping about some African-American themed exhibit. A few years before, the Southern Poverty Law Center had been consulted. They recommended a slightly augmented security presence. No one listened. Elected a two-term Black president and America went tribal.

Just give ‘em the voucher, they’ll fit you with a shirt, pants, sidearm. Twelve-hour shift, bring something to read, she said, dabbing menopausal mustache after each sip of iced tea.

All right, thanks.

Since getting his MFA, Wallace Skreevey worked a number of menial jobs, all the while chipping away at the writing. He’d purposely avoided teaching. Until he published a book, the only places that would hire him were middle schools, high schools. He heard teaching was slow death to a writer and the pay was terrible, so he investigated alternative occupations. For the security guard gig, he’d had to obtain a pistol license, take a few tests. Pretty sure background check was just to make sure he was white. Security guard job sector was so vastly different from education he purposely did not mention his MFA degree—would’ve raised suspicion. Even an undergrad English degree was off-limits. Anything other than animal husbandry or petroleum science marked one as a pansy-egghead—i.e. No gun for you!

He needed to get a book written and published—fast.

Before he was thirty.

That was the deadline.

If, by his thirtieth birthday, he still didn’t have a book published… well, suicide wasn’t out of the question.

That was a joke, of course, but it also pointed to a deep-seated desperation in Wallace. Or deep-seeded as Wallace sometimes wrote. He liked to jack around with words and expressions, favor incorrect usage. He liked to argue that deep-seeded, with its tempting agricultural inference was more metaphorical (seed of the thing is deeply rooted in the soil of one’s mind, y’see?). This attitude didn’t endear him to literary magazine editors. Went a long way toward explaining his lack of publishing success.

Wallace arrived at 7:45 just as Desmond, the 72-year-old Black janitor, was leaving.

Hall of History closed at four each day. Then Desmond cleaned up the place. By the start of the night shift, everything was spotless and still. Wallace’s security guard uniform included a stylish hat, a kind of retro-chapeau once favored by highway patrolmen. Wallace jauntily tipped the hat at Desmond who was stowing mop and bucket in the lobby closet. It appeared for a moment Desmond might chuckle—but the chuckle died, softened into an inscrutable smile. Desmond sported obvious, cheap dentures.

Evenin’, said Wallace, understanding that to Desmond he probably looked like a cop caricature. Barney Fife.

Desmond nodded, eager to escape.

Hall of History was an old converted train station, railroad tracks like a surgical scar still visible along the street. Wallace watched the taillights of the janitor’s Ford pickup jounce over tracks then vanish down the avenue into a cool November night. Wallace pulled his laptop from a bag, plugged it in. While programs loaded, he went around and checked all doors and windows.

Every so often he’d stop to admire his reflection in a glass display case, draw the Smith and Wesson .38 and shout: Freeze, scumbag. Unlike the Mayberry RFD deputy, Barney Fife, Wallace wore wire- rimmed glasses, had a soul-patch and tiny teeth. Wallace removed his glasses and squinted with cynical objectivity, like a movie star sheriff. He fiddled with the cap, tilting it this way and that. He’d look pretty badass if he went ahead and shortened his blond locks into a flattop like a real Alabama sheriff.

What we have here… is a failure… to commun’cate.

He explored display cases, admired artifacts: telephones, arrowheads, guns, buggy whips, smelting paraphernalia… Some items aroused curiosity, but most display cases were locked and he didn’t possess those keys. Other displays were out in the open for anyone to touch—though there were signs requesting that patrons refrain from doing so. Wallace picked up and sniffed a high school baseball with the year 1925 written on it that smelled of earth and sweat.

It took him back to his childhood—white boy born in the wake of the Civil Rights Movement. His parents had named him after the Governor, yet he’d seen the N-word excised from the vocabulary of almost everyone seemingly overnight. Lately, however, it seemed to be making a regrettable comeback among the unevolved. The New Buffoonery.

One would think that having an MFA and growing up in such a hotbed of social change, that Wallace would’ve already written a failed, thinly-veiled autobiographical first-person novel and been well on his way to completing a second more publishable book. But Wallace was fundamentally immature, a late-bloomer. He wasn’t daunted by rejections of his short stories so much as enraged. He’d get a decline from an editor at some literary journal, then send withering vitriolic critiques of the lame stories he subsequently saw published in the very next issue. He’d use a lot of condescending twenty-dollar words (The Highly Selective Thesaurus for the Extraordinarily Literate always within reach) and question the manhood, womanhood—or general competence—of the editor and/or author in question.

In reading the maudlin meanderings of Ms. _______ in Vol. 35, #2 and then again with Mr. _______ in Vol. 36 #1, I was astonished and disheartened to the point of dyspepsia to see that confessional narratives about enduring the close-range, Terms of Endearment-like suffering of an estranged parent to some all-consuming, ineradicable metastasizing melanoma were not only back in style but, in fact, praxis!

He’d hurl snobby invectives, modeling himself after Ignatius O’Reilly in A Confederacy of Dunces. Wallace was vaguely aware of the self-sabotaging, sneering, pretentious tone of these posturings, but couldn’t help himself. He continually creamed all kinds of promising connections, ignorant of how all this might come back to haunt him. In fact, many editors had taken to deleting his submissions from their in-box or moving them, unread, to the Wacko Folder, convinced that he was some sort of potentially violent, unbalanced incel.

Still, there was New York, where the only thing that mattered was what the marketplace would bear. Wallace knew he had a voice, something to sell. It just wasn’t ready or written yet. He had exactly fourteen months before he turned thirty. He was determined to get some agent or publishing house to fall in love with him before entering his fourth decade.

Wallace knew he should get back downstairs and start writing something, but he still had eleven hours, twenty-seven minutes to go in his shift. Anyway, he liked to ease into writing.

He was yet again playing with his security guard cap, admiring his reflection in a display case when something in the glass behind him grabbed his attention: a typewriter. He spun around—

It sat on a pedestal, out in the open. Anyone could touch it. The sign above read: HITLER’S TYPEWRITER.

A black German Groma… 1930’s… made by G.F. Grosser, Markersdorf. Probably a Jew who perished, thought Wallace with solemn introspection, in one of those terrible death camps. Sign read: This machine came from Hitler’s Mountain Hide-a-way, The Eagle’s Nest near Salzburg, Austria (though Wallace was to later hear conflicting stories about it actually coming from The Wolf ’s Lair bunker in Poland—Hitler had himself a lot of hidey-holes). It’d been found among some local soldier’s long-forgotten war-booty. Carriage up top was oversized, attached in part by a pair of dark steel supports on each side. These supports reached out like a pair of fanatical arms exhorting a huge crowd to irrational hatred. The cheerful smile of the type bars fanned out below seemed incongruous with the evil directives that had no doubt been created by Der Fuhrer’s fingers on the keys.

Wallace leaned in and inhaled, thinking perhaps he might catch the sulfurous whiff of crematoria; the sinister smell of Zyklon B; the stench of mass graves. But there was only the familiar, welcome fragrance of musty, oily machinery.

It came to him very quickly, an instantaneous inspiration: he would write his magnum opus on Hitler’s typewriter! What publisher could resist? He’d layer in some gratuitous message of tolerance, rail against racism. Then came additional inspiration: he’d use a scroll of paper towels—just like Kerouac did in writing On the Road—feeding Hitler’s typewriter one continuous stream of consciousness. He’d even seen an entire shelf full of such rolls in the janitor’s closet. It was perfect. And while Wallace preferred writing on a laptop (he was definitely a child of the computer age) and ridiculed older writers who clung to their Paleolithic Underwoods, Olivettis, and Smith-Coronas, this was an opportunity too good to pass up.

Now all he needed… was a story.

Wallace was nothing if not well read. The cinder block bookshelves in his apartment paid homage to his heroes: Flannery O’Connor, William Gay, Larry Brown, Barry Hannah. There were some Yankee authors, but Wallace felt tied to the red clay of the South in a truly literary way. His parents still lived up the road in Birmingham, Dad was a retired city engineer. Two older brothers had fled north years ago. Unlike Wallace, they hated everything about Alabama and often teased him for staying.

He once considered changing his first name from Wallace to Welty, in honor of Eudora as well as to shed the politically incorrect baggage of George Wallace. But the pen name Welty Skreevey, while distinctive, scanned a tad creepy.

A wife, home, kids, stability—these were all things he expected to magically accrue upon publication of his first novel just before his thirtieth birthday. In this way, his twenties felt like a prolonged wait for a seat in a five-star restaurant: tedious but worth it. He often imagined his party about to be called, table of success being set.

Wallace removed his uniform, carefully hung it. Water roach scuttled across the floor. Using an old literary journal, he scooped it up and tossed it out the front door. He switched on the bedside fan. Now it seemed the roomed smelled of water roaches. In his underwear and T-shirt, he lay back on the bed, fingers clasped behind his head. Wallace plotted and schemed at the ceiling.

There were two things he needed to acquire tout suite: ribbon for the Groma and a copy of Hitler’s Mein Kampf.

He asked Ida Schott about the typewriter the next day. He was arriving, she was leaving. Ida filled him in: the machine had sat forgotten in the basement for years but as soon as they’d put it on display it became the most popular exhibit.

Every day someone calls or asks me if they can type a letter on Hitler’s typewriter! Ida sighed. The ribbon don’t exist no more.

But Wallace quickly located a Groma ribbon online. It was easy. Ida had, understandably, not looked very hard. He’d seen her entering data, eyes wild with technophobic terror. But Wallace knew you could find anything on the Internet. When Mein Kampf and the ribbon arrived via UPS on the very same day a week later, Wallace took it as a positive omen.

The reason Wallace needed Mein Kampf was because he felt it would help him assume and conquer the spirit of the typewriter, and also to inform and influence the tone of his own story—whatever that turned out to be. Wallace’s intention was to take ‘Dolf ’s bombastic ballyhoo and turn it on its head; spin it to serve his own purposes in much the same way Hitler twisted quotes from The Bible. He rehearsed this rationale out loud when he wasn’t writing, pretending he was being interviewed on TV.

Wallace knew that even if his own prose turned out to be prosaic, the saving grace would be that the tome had been written on Adolf Hitler’s typewriter.

That was his central conceit, his safety net.

The first night of writing, Wallace’s hands trembled as he threaded the ribbon and banged out a sample page. I have a dream! he wrote. I have been to the mountain top! He could almost see Hitler writhing with apoplexy. After applying a few drops of Royal Typewriter Oil, the Groma worked wonderfully. He giggled and shivered in anticipation as he removed the single sheet, then inserted the end of the paper towel scroll. The texture of the paper towel stock was sturdy and brown (further irony!). He typed the title:

MEIN STRUGGLE

By Wallace Skreevey

Wallace had given the title a lot of thought. The literal English translation of Mein Kampf was My Struggle—but it had already been used as a novel title by someone. Wallace’s hybridized version, Mein Struggle, worked. All part of his strategy: mock the man and his book on the very typewriter he once used.

He knew there had to be a story of substance underneath the gimmick. He was intuitive about fiction, could feel when a story was truly gaining traction. He may have been socially inept when it came to editors, but Wallace was nothing if not a competent writer.

Hitler didn’t actually write Mein Kampf on the Groma. There were pictures on the Internet of that particular typewriter, a portable Remington, and it didn’t look at all like the Groma. The Remington was more compact and unremarkable. Some German banker had loaned it to Hitler. This Groma, however, had an innate grandiosity about it; Hitler should have written Mein Kampf on it. Each night, Wallace would thread the precious ribbon and paper towel roll back into the Groma, sit back and read a few pages of Mein Kampf. For example: The personification of the devil as the symbol of all evil assumes the living shape of the Jew. Then he’d shake his head in bewildered disgust and pick up where he’d left off.

The book started writing itself; all the conceptual decisions— some rather arbitrarily arrived at—managed to fall into place and he was off and running. He sat in a straight-backed chair that had once belonged to the father of jazz, W.C. Handy. Wallace liked to imagine the chair served as some sort of prophylactic spiritual protection against any remnant toxic Ju-Ju emanating from the Nazi typewriter.

It was a joy to write on the Groma. It was loud, tactile, mechanical—he felt industrious, as if he were manning the assembly line of some old-fashioned idea factory. Theme, Protagonist, Voice, Tense—all took care of themselves. He felt… guided. It was downright spooky.

He kept the story simple: main character, antagonist; that third wild card character (a beautiful, crazy woman) to serve as the final leg of the stool, preventing the story from falling on its ass. Every novel has a Big Idea and while away from his job at the museum, Wallace gave a lot of thought to the Big Idea of Mein Struggle. He settled on something solid—not too clichéd or platitudinous. The main character ran with it—guided and romanced by the woman, of course—and he made sure the bad guy (and it was a guy) remained believable, likeable. No mustache twirling. He dreamed up a town from his childhood, a place his family often passed through, stopping only for ice cream. He’d always been charmed and curious about the town—now he filled it with his imagination until it came to life and took on a personality of its own. There were moments of violence on the page as well as bigotry, betrayal, vengeance, hot sex, high comedy, poignant internal reflection. Everything felt organic and correct. Narrative flowed like a river in springtime.

The joy of it continued, unabated, for weeks… months.

He’d start writing at 9 p.m. each night, thermos of coffee at his side, and plow straight through until 4 a.m., stopping only to go to the bathroom.

Story continued to spool off in his head. It was like trance-writing, very little revision or correction. Servicing the racism and intolerance angle was easy—as long as he steered clear of sanctimony. Entire sequences and scenes spewed forth fully formed and Wallace often had little or no memory of having actually written them. From 4:00 a.m. to 6:00 a.m. he’d read over what he’d typed that night and make any necessary line edits with a pencil. Then he’d put the W.C. Handy chair back where it belonged and carefully remove the ribbon and scroll. He hid them way in the back of a hard-to-reach cabinet in the kitchen just outside Ida’s office upstairs. One needed a stepladder to reach it. Unless one were specifically looking for something in that cabinet, there’s no way anyone would ever find it. He intended at some point to retype the novel into his laptop. But that would happen after he finished the sacred scroll.

He pictured himself posing with the scroll in his Paris Review interview.

Writing on the Groma was so pleasurable and exhilarating, he even considered stealing it. Writing without it began to seem impossible—yet, he wondered if maybe it was just this particular book. Perhaps the Groma was analogous to a secret lover he’d always recall with great longing and lust. Then he’d remember: This is Hitler’s typewriter, man. Get a grip!

By May, he’d filled almost an entire paper towel roll, creating what he estimated would eventually be almost 300 double-spaced single pages on his laptop.

Wallace was, as he liked to joke to himself, on a roll.

The spark of a genius exists in the brain of the truly creative man from the hour of his birth.

Almost there. Any day now…

It was a night like any other. Wallace arrived as Desmond was leaving. He checked all the doors and windows, practiced drawing his .38, then headed to the hiding place.

Not there. The ribbon was still visible, but no scroll.

At first, he thought maybe he’d accidentally stored everything in the wrong cabinet but a quick inspection of every door and drawer turned up nothing. Wallace felt a cramp of panic that something so personal and naked had possibly been discovered and viewed by another human being. Being a reticent man of the South, he hadn’t told anyone about Mein Struggle, not even his few friends—certainly not his family. When his parents had heard about his getting hired on at the Hall of History, they nodded politely and looked down at the floor as if it were a portal into the next twenty years, displaying a vision of Wallace as a pudgy security guard pushing fifty, on track for a modest pension. He knew that’s what they were thinking and he relished the idea of proving them wrong.

But where had his masterpiece run off to?

He searched Ida Schott’s office, including every drawer and found nothing useful except a bottle of amphetamines. He pocketed a few. He considered calling her at home, then thought better of it. He allowed himself to believe that no one, upon finding the scroll, clearly marked with his typewritten prose, would discard it. It had to be somewhere. It would turn up. He’d ask Ida about it. Worst-case scenario, he’d be given a reprimand for what he’d done but certainly she would return the fruits of his labor to him. He even entertained an idea that maybe Ida had discovered it, taken it home and was reading Mein Struggle at that very moment. He imagined her admiring his muscled prose—perhaps phoning up unexpected connections she might have in the publishing world. That was certainly possible, right?

Wallace paced and fretted the entire night. He searched every inch of the museum, including the janitor’s closet, hoping maybe Desmond had come across the roll and moved it downstairs. But there was no sign of it. When his shift was over, he stuck around until Ida arrived to open up the museum.

What are you still doin’ here? she said. Everything all right?

Wallace started to answer but the roar of a nearby garbage truck drowned him out. He waited for the hydraulic racket to pass.

I’m missing something I left here and was wondering if you’d seen it.

The garbage truck began its beep!-beep!-beep! back-up like a loud, alarmed bird. Ida motioned for them to go inside and talk.

She took the stairs up to her office with Wallace close behind.

I had something stored in the kitchen cabinet—did you come across it?

What exactly?

A copy of a book I’m writing, he said, carefully. Then with a chuckle: Figured it’d be safe in the Hall of History.

They entered the kitchen.

It was right up there, he pointed.

Ida craned her neck, raised up on tiptoes, then looked at him quizzically.

Can’t say I’ve ever opened that cabinet.

She entered the office, hung her purse on a hook.

What kinda book? she said.

A novel.

A novel—really? Ida was impressed at first, then seemed to wonder if it wasn’t some kind of deranged manifesto. You say you kept a copy… here?

I did.

What did it look like?

You’d know it if you saw it. It’s paper, you know?

I mean, was it on a—oh, that’s right, you just said it was paper.

Yeah, it’s pretty clear what it’d be.

So you printed it out and stored a copy here?

Yeah. Something like that.

She filled a coffee pot from the water cooler. Wallace was ready to explode with fear. He felt it best to leave right away. As he turned to exit, she said:

Ask Desmond tonight, okay? If anyone’s seen it, it’s him.

Wallace usually went straight home and slept, but today sleep was impossible.

He just lay there on his narrow single bed all day, completely freaked out. He’d doze for a few minutes, then wake with a start, jump up, yank the shade and stare out the window at the line of sweetgum trees across the street. When he did sleep, random passages from Mein Kampf haunted his dreamscape, including images of Adolf Hitler saluting him and jeering: A man does not die for something which he himself does not believe in!

At 3 p.m. he had a shot of whiskey to steady his nerves, washed down two of Ida Schott’s uppers. He hadn’t even changed out of his security guard uniform—though he had removed his gun holster before lying down. Now he put it back on, drew the revolver a couple of times out of habit and headed out the door. He hadn’t eaten for 24 hours. On the drive over, Mein Kampf rode shotgun in Wallace’s beat-to-hell VW Jetta, taunting him.

He parked some distance away and waited.

Presently, the day’s last visitors to the Hall of History emerged, got in their cars and drove off. Then Ida Schott appeared, locked the door and left. After a few minutes, along came Desmond in his Ford pickup. Wallace got out, put on his security guard cap, shoved Mein Kampf into his waistband and approached Desmond who was slowly searching his ring for the right key.

Hold up a minute, Desmond.

Desmond turned, curious and wary.

Yeah?

Uh, listen, I had something stored in a cabinet in the kitchen and I was wondering if you mighta seen it.

Kitchen, y’say?

Yeah. It was like a roll of paper towels in the upper cabinet. With… writing on it?

Desmond stroked his chin, then remembered:

Oh yeah! I used that up last night.

Whaddya mean used it up?

Wallace thought he might faint.

Yes sir. Loadin’ the water cooler, spilled a mess of water all over.

Why didn’t you use a mop? Wallace’s voice was tiny with shock. He began to shrink into himself.

Already put away the mop—didn’t wanna go back down. I got more paper towels if you want.

Desmond started to insert the key—Wallace stopped him.

Desmond, how’d you know there was a roll of paper towels in that cabinet?

I know everything about this place.

Desmond was starting to get annoyed, he tried to reinsert his key and again Wallace stopped him.

Desmond gave Wallace a stern look.

Need to get to work.

Desmond, listen to me. Where’d you put the paper towels?

In the garbage! he pointed out back. Where do ya think, man?

But Wallace was already leading Desmond to the dumpster.

Show me.

It’s not there now.

Wallace stopped.

Whaddya mean?

Garbage picked up this morning. See?

Dumpster was indeed empty. Wallace drew his gun.

Whoa boy! Desmond raised his hands. Now you hang on! What you doin’!?

Get in the truck.

What?!

GET IN THE DAMN TRUCK!

They pulled out onto the avenue in the pickup, Desmond behind the wheel. Wallace had the gun trained on Desmond. His eyes glistened with hopped up, sleep-deprived rage. His lips were pursed and chalk-white. He had cottonmouth.

Did you notice anything unusual about the paper towels, Desmond? Did you?

Desmond gave Wallace a sideways glance that said: You crazy. Desmond drove a few blocks then slowed and said, Where to?

City dump. Turn right here, then go straight.

Desmond complied. He said: Put away the gun, boy.

Please don’t call me boy.

Okay, man. Put down the gun. Hit a bump you gonna blow off my head.

Wallace aimed the gun away.

All right.

Wallace already regretted doing this, but when Desmond had explained, so cavalierly, how he’d used hundreds of hours of Wallace’s labor to mop up a water spill… this seemed like the only practical thing to do. It was a mistake, Wallace knew that, but at this point he had to salvage what he could. And if he wound up finishing Mein Struggle in jail, so be it.

It occurred to Wallace that Desmond still didn’t understand why he should care so much about a lost roll of paper towels, so he explained the entire situation to him: He started with being a writer; how he took the security guard job to enable that; about finding Hitler’s typewriter and getting inspired.

Desmond wore a look of confused amusement.

Well, come to think of it, I did notice a bit of writin’ on the, um, paper towels…

And?

Not my style. I’m more Walter Mosely, Ta-Nehisi Coates…

Wallace had no words.

How come you didn’t use typewriter paper?

Never you mind. Here it is.

They entered the malodorous city dump just as several garbage trucks were exiting. Nothing but trash, carrion birds, rats and the almost audible gnaw of decay for miles. Desmond’s truck bucked on the potholed road.

Where to? said Desmond.

Wallace waved the gun. Just drive around, see if you recognize any of our garbage.

Desmond snorted.

You think this is funny?! said Wallace.

I think it’s funny to expect me to recognize the garbage.

Just keep lookin’.

There was only an hour of daylight left. Wallace peered through the windshield. Miles of debris, the crumbs of human existence. He began to lose hope.

Pull over here, he said.

Desmond pulled over, put it in park and killed the engine. They sat there. Wallace didn’t want to get out and face the smell but there was no choice.

Desmond leaned down, squinted.

Hey, what’s that book?

Huh?

In your pants.

Wallace handed the book over to Desmond.

He read aloud—

Mein Kampf.

—then gave a low whistle, shot Wallace a disapproving look.

You in over your head.

I ain’t a Nazi, man.

Then what the fuck?

Research. This was like his… rules. It’s complicated. My book was the opposite.

Wallace holstered his gun in a gesture of goodwill.

Look, I’m sorry I forced you to come here, Desmond. Would you please help me find it?

Okayyy…

They got out.

Wallace started toward the nearest mountain of trash, eyes focused on each item of garbage, holding out hope that somehow he’d immediately find his lost tome and they could get the hell out of there. The smell was unbelievably rank. He tried to picture how and where a garbage truck containing Hall of History spilth and filth might’ve dumped its contents—

Door slam, engine start-up. Desmond floored the pickup in reverse, then whipped it around and fishtailed away, kicking up a cloud of dust. Wallace ran after, yelled for Desmond to stop. He drew
and aimed the pistol at the truck’s rear tires, finger to trigger—then abruptly raised the pistol and held his fire.

First intelligent thing he’d done that day.

Wallace cursed loudly and began kicking garbage. He pulled the copy of Mein Kampf from his waistband, flung it high up into the air, took aim and fired the pistol at it. He did this three times until the book was shot clean through. A seagull, of all things, swooped down. Wallace fired at that too and missed. Then a rat appeared and he missed that too.

He felt like the lone survivor of a dystopian war. Cordite and putrefaction punished his nose, mouth, throat.

It was still light enough that he could search the ground in front of him. And he did so for a few minutes, heart racing at the sight of anything even remotely resembling a length of brown paper towel. Very soon, however, he simply stopped looking and his eyes turned upward to register a bony quarter-moon caught in the bare branches of a distant chinaberry tree.

No way he’d recover the manuscript.

He tried to tell himself the world was probably better off without it. At that moment, some hobo was probably wiping his ass with Wallace’s precious words.

Wallace looked past, over endless mounds of garbage half-expecting to see a salvageable wet brown scroll. Distant siren grew louder, far-off flash of blue and red.

He’d poured what he thought was his soul into the writing of a novel. It’d been prematurely consigned to the stinking trash heap of history. He held the gun with both hands, aimed it up under his chin.

This is how ‘Dolf must have done it, he guessed. Eva at his side there in the bunker. He closed his eyes and squeezed the trigger.

Click.

Out of bullets.

The struggle would apparently continue.

Robert Morgan Fisher

About the Author

Robert Morgan Fisher won the 2018 Chester Himes Fiction Prize, was shortlisted for the 2019 John Steinbeck Award and Runner-up for the 2021 Saturday Evening Post Great American Fiction Prize. His fiction and essays have appeared in numerous anthologies and literary journals. He’s also written for TV, radio and film. Robert holds an MFA in Creative Writing from Antioch University Los Angeles and is currently on the teaching faculty of Antioch University in several capacities. Since 2016, Robert has led the UCLA Wordcommandos, an acclaimed twice-weekly writing workshop for veterans with PTSD. He often writes companion songs to his short stories. Both his music and fiction have won many awards. Robert also voices audiobooks.
http://robertmorganfisher.com